Thursday, August 07, 2003
I got advice today from the most unlikely of people.
I was outside having a cigarette during my morning smoke break when the front desk attendant of my building came out and sat next to me. At first I was a little irritated because I just wanted to sit by myself, smoke my butt, and clear my head. When Pedro came out he sat down and lit up his smoke.
“What’s wrong Joe? You don’t seem like yourself lately.”
“What do you mean? I’m fine.”
“Oh come on, you can’t fool me my man. Your face is dragging on the ground. Things with Paul ok?”
I looked at Pedro for a minute and instead of replying with my usual “No, everything’s fine”, I decided to tell him what’s going on.
“I think Paul and I are going to break up. Things haven’t been going well for a while now and I’m afraid that I am going to have to cut things off with him.”
I explained in further detail as he listened to me with complete interest. After I finished speaking, Pedro told me a story about he and his wife, Marilyn. He explained that although they have been married for decades, they have had numerous moments of calling it quits. But the one thing that always seemed to save their relationship was the fact that they could sit down and have a serious and open conversation about their problems. He advised me to sit down with Paul and to talk to him. At least one last time. “You never know what could come out of the conversation, Joe. He could surprise you.” “But Pedro, I have had numerous conversations with him about our problematic relationship. Why should I have to do it again?” “Because you committed 3 years of your life to him, Joe. If you truly love him or did love him at one point, you owe it to both of you to have one more open conversation before you call it quits. He may not fully understand why you are so hurt.”
I appreciated Pedro sitting with me and giving me the advice that he did. I took everything he said and digested it throughout the day. Since I have always been someone who needs to make a decision about things as quickly as possible, I have had unending ahgida over confronting this head on. I feel a bit better now. It was nice to have someone tell me that I should give Paul the chance to explain himself. I am very influenced by my friends and most of them have told me to cut Paul loose, which in all reality is probably what will happen. But I liked having someone give me the other perspective. I will be going into this conversation with Paul with an open mind. And that’s what’s most important.
Rita called me yesterday, despite my vain attempts to hide from her. She always senses when I’m not doing well and yesterday she broke through my wall and got in touch with me. As soon as I answered the phone I opened up my heart and told her everything that was bothering me. Luckily I only started to cry once. Rita has this way of pulling everything out of me. I just open up and spill my guts. She is so good with me too. She supports me in everything that I say and helps me come up with different solutions to the problem. After talking to her for 40 minutes yesterday, I felt somewhat healed. God I miss her so much. This break-up situation wouldn’t be nearly as difficult if I had her still living in NYC with me.
Paul has Saturday night off from work. I am going to call him tonight and ask him to have dinner with me. It will be then that I have the conversation with him about our relationship. Worst case scenario, I throw my drink in his face and storm out. (oh how part of me would LOVE to have that happen)
And now for my dear friend Wahini:
Peanut Butter Goodness
There was a day when I grew up
And left my peanut friend behind.
He waved goodbye with solemn tears
Chewing on a melon rind.
“Why don’t you love me any more?”
I heard Peanut say.
“Cuz you make my belly fat and gross,
My ass and teeth decay.”
“But I taste good with chocolate kisses”,
Peanut begged me “Please”.
“Begging is unsightly jerkoff.
I have to take a pee.”
“There is no reason for you to yell
You hurt my feelings bad”
“You fucking talking peanut man
My goal’s to make you sad.”
With that last word, my peanut friend
Turned his back and left.
He walked real slow and bowed his head
I left him sad, bereft.
You see peanut man and his butter wife
Had stole my lively hood.
I once was pretty, thin, and cute
Like most true gay boys should.
But after years of spreading them
All over my sand-whiches
Peanut man and butter wife
Became my nemesisses.
Today I stay away from peanuts
Salted or cashewed.
Cuz saturated fat ain’t nice
In fact it’s rather rude.
------written and copyrighted by Joe Cut the Shit.
Have a great night ya’ll!
I was outside having a cigarette during my morning smoke break when the front desk attendant of my building came out and sat next to me. At first I was a little irritated because I just wanted to sit by myself, smoke my butt, and clear my head. When Pedro came out he sat down and lit up his smoke.
“What’s wrong Joe? You don’t seem like yourself lately.”
“What do you mean? I’m fine.”
“Oh come on, you can’t fool me my man. Your face is dragging on the ground. Things with Paul ok?”
I looked at Pedro for a minute and instead of replying with my usual “No, everything’s fine”, I decided to tell him what’s going on.
“I think Paul and I are going to break up. Things haven’t been going well for a while now and I’m afraid that I am going to have to cut things off with him.”
I explained in further detail as he listened to me with complete interest. After I finished speaking, Pedro told me a story about he and his wife, Marilyn. He explained that although they have been married for decades, they have had numerous moments of calling it quits. But the one thing that always seemed to save their relationship was the fact that they could sit down and have a serious and open conversation about their problems. He advised me to sit down with Paul and to talk to him. At least one last time. “You never know what could come out of the conversation, Joe. He could surprise you.” “But Pedro, I have had numerous conversations with him about our problematic relationship. Why should I have to do it again?” “Because you committed 3 years of your life to him, Joe. If you truly love him or did love him at one point, you owe it to both of you to have one more open conversation before you call it quits. He may not fully understand why you are so hurt.”
I appreciated Pedro sitting with me and giving me the advice that he did. I took everything he said and digested it throughout the day. Since I have always been someone who needs to make a decision about things as quickly as possible, I have had unending ahgida over confronting this head on. I feel a bit better now. It was nice to have someone tell me that I should give Paul the chance to explain himself. I am very influenced by my friends and most of them have told me to cut Paul loose, which in all reality is probably what will happen. But I liked having someone give me the other perspective. I will be going into this conversation with Paul with an open mind. And that’s what’s most important.
Rita called me yesterday, despite my vain attempts to hide from her. She always senses when I’m not doing well and yesterday she broke through my wall and got in touch with me. As soon as I answered the phone I opened up my heart and told her everything that was bothering me. Luckily I only started to cry once. Rita has this way of pulling everything out of me. I just open up and spill my guts. She is so good with me too. She supports me in everything that I say and helps me come up with different solutions to the problem. After talking to her for 40 minutes yesterday, I felt somewhat healed. God I miss her so much. This break-up situation wouldn’t be nearly as difficult if I had her still living in NYC with me.
Paul has Saturday night off from work. I am going to call him tonight and ask him to have dinner with me. It will be then that I have the conversation with him about our relationship. Worst case scenario, I throw my drink in his face and storm out. (oh how part of me would LOVE to have that happen)
And now for my dear friend Wahini:
Peanut Butter Goodness
There was a day when I grew up
And left my peanut friend behind.
He waved goodbye with solemn tears
Chewing on a melon rind.
“Why don’t you love me any more?”
I heard Peanut say.
“Cuz you make my belly fat and gross,
My ass and teeth decay.”
“But I taste good with chocolate kisses”,
Peanut begged me “Please”.
“Begging is unsightly jerkoff.
I have to take a pee.”
“There is no reason for you to yell
You hurt my feelings bad”
“You fucking talking peanut man
My goal’s to make you sad.”
With that last word, my peanut friend
Turned his back and left.
He walked real slow and bowed his head
I left him sad, bereft.
You see peanut man and his butter wife
Had stole my lively hood.
I once was pretty, thin, and cute
Like most true gay boys should.
But after years of spreading them
All over my sand-whiches
Peanut man and butter wife
Became my nemesisses.
Today I stay away from peanuts
Salted or cashewed.
Cuz saturated fat ain’t nice
In fact it’s rather rude.
------written and copyrighted by Joe Cut the Shit.
Have a great night ya’ll!
